I have waited a month to collect my thoughts and reflect on our worship gatherings and Sunday nights the past four years. For some, it was eleven years and I envy that a bit; I wish I had attended Mosaic in its entirety. 

Honestly, the last Mosaic gathering was hard on my heart. I hoped you didn't see me, because I was a lump of sadness. I retreated to our tech booth where I've been doing slides the past few years and was able to watch people worship as our community and it was bittersweet. It has been a real honor to serve in that group. I have so enjoyed watching and listening as you worshiped earnestly and passionately. It was an encouragement to be surrounded by good men and women who grew toward maturity in Christ each week but also got really excited when Chad surprised us with ice cream sandwiches. I liked doing slides because it was, like, super easy. Plus, if I didn't click my mouse, you didn't sing, which was a cool power I possessed. I'm just kidding. I didn't do that often, at least not purposefully.

Chad asked me to prepare a community art project for our last Mosaic gathering as a way to worship (you can worship through paint, it's true) and an opportunity to create something as a group that would serve as a reminder and memento of our growth and time on Sunday nights. Later, I told him it was a bit like making a tombstone for a friend. It didn't feel good, it was grim. I sketched it then created it anyway. I painted everything but the leaves so that everyone who came that last night could help finish it. 

But I wasn't happy about it. Before J & I drove up to church for the last gathering I was putting the tree painting and paints in the car and I thought, "Maybe if nobody shows up we can delay the last Mosaic," because I have the mentality of a third grader sometimes.

Nonetheless, we drove there. It happened. It was fantastic; possibly the best worship gathering we had ever had. Nathan & the band crushed it. As did Chad. When everyone was eating Ray's BBQ and enjoying each others' company, I sat back and thought, "This is such a good moment. This is what Mosaic was: lots of folks enjoying God, food and worship together. Why am I not happy." Everyone seemed really joyful and I felt that's how I should have been, too.

The next week, I beat myself up for not enjoying the last Mosaic. Everything went out without a hitch; it was such a good representation to the other church members who had never attended, to see how great Mosaic was to us; God was there with us and was glorified through it. I was mad at myself for wasting time being sad when there was so much to be joyful about.

So, here I am one month later and my Sunday nights are free for the first time in four years. I realize now that it was okay to shed tears and mourn, even in the midst of joy. I experienced tremendous joy that night and tremendous sadness. This gif is an accurate representation. My mind is clearer now and I am enjoying our Sunday morning Bible Study of The Prodigal God with a section of the Mosaic community. God is really good and provides for us when he also takes things away.

All this to say, I hope those that attended Mosaic enjoyed it as much as I did. The purpose of this post was not to complain nor begrudge the ending of something I really loved. I wrote this as something of a thank you note for coming to Mosaic, all those who did. Even if you came once or twice, I'm really glad you made it there. I'm happy we were able to experience that together. I grew stronger and learned more than I ever thought I would. God is good like that.

Thanks for worshiping with me.

[In case you haven't heard, Mosaic is still going on a Winter Retreat in Wisconsin again. The dates are January 3-5 and it will be affordable and fun. See you there.]